Blown (Haiku)

I need to get out
If I don't soon I will spazz
Please God get me out

The Corner of Broke & Hopeless

This is a colaboration with myself & my homegirl...The first part is her's the last is mine....


Yes it’s the modern day depression
And I can’t even take a breath without knowing if I will be charged for the air I breathe
Roll up those sleeves
Hope for a better tomorrow
Though today is for the struggle
Anything to get that dough
Selfish Mentalities
Not having that urgency for rationalities
Yet ears to the amplified need for change
That hopeful brand pressed to our hearts
But let’s stop to be real
I’m broke
No money
No joke
Can’t even buy my ego
Or those Hi tops I crave
To satisfy my fashion
Materialism engulfing us in giveaway prices
But who can even afford that
Without having thoughts of bag, borrow, or steal engraved in their minds
It will take time
But for how long
Patience is the last thing we want to have
Gimmie the loot, gimmie the loot
And the royalties to boot
Give me a bank full of money
I’m desperate
I might shoot
But no jail in my future
No bail in my future
But a continuation of this might be hell for our future
The prophecies of 2012 in our future?
"The prophecies of 2012 in our future?
I can’t even see that far in my future
I’m living for today, hoping for promise of my future.
People killing themselves & their kinfolk-straight destroying their future
The nerve of being materialistic
Has evolved into narcissism-Narcissistic
Realism-to be realistic
Going to work not knowing if you’ll be laid off
Yea-sure college paid off
Nigga if they fire me they getting sprayed off
I’m gonna go postal on they ass-just to get this weight off
My shoulders
Draped in the same shit since 06’
How the hell can crack heads get their fix?
Whatever their hustle is, I need to pick it up quick
Find a scheme to get rich-hit a lick
I don’t give a fuck-anything to feed my kids
My babies starving worse than Marvin
Theorizing this like Darwin
But this ain’t no philosophy-it’s reality
My life, our world plagued by this hypocrisy
But if we stop & see
Out of this curse may be opportunity
A chance to break down barriers
And seek equality
Everybody is in the same boat
Hopeless, hopeful & broke
Doing what they can to stay afloat
Preparing for the worse & hoping for the best
Learning to live a fruitful life-for less
So through the stress & governments mess
Humble yourself & exude praise for what you have and have not’s
Before you hit the block & grab the glock
Shoot our youth with knowledge
So this madness will stop! The corner…" (me)

Resolutions

I don’t know what the big deal is
It’s only a New Year & I guess some New Cheer
But really, who cares
Just another day to bring in your old fears with new tears
You know same shit, different toilet
Suffering like you’re lost in a pulpit
Calling for God to control it, fighting your own faith
Just to see if it’s worth it
Oh, but it’s a New Year & New Cheer

Damn! How the fuck did we get here?
My brain is spinning in a whirlwind
Questioning my intelligence, realizing I’m living in a world when
Our president is Black; we’d do anything not to go back!
And how many fellow Americans epitomize that?
Comprehending that anything other than being black; is WACK; that’s a fact.

But it’s a New Year and some New Cheer
When searching for independence is shielded
By an incompetent President that seeks succession
In our state of recession-depression, who really knows?
What his motive was-I’m just guessing
G-dub does not care about black people, that’s me Kanye West’n
While Dubya sat back & got rich off of our suppression
We got wealthy with the intellect of progression-transgression
Oh yea! It’s a New Year & New Cheer

Where we wash our hands to pointless relationships &
Stand on our own now matter how…hard…IT…gets
When it penetrates & stimulates our deepest desires
And yearns for that intellectual sex to ignite your fire
But in a world where sex is plagued by AIDS & STDS
The unintelligent remain infatuated with the
Desire to please, fall to their knees
The burning sensation they try to ease
On this New Year’s Night
For their life they have to fight
While mothers & daughters
Scream that everything is gonna be alright

But what makes this night any different -than last night
Nothing but the date and time
So make your resolutions and keep
Wishing you could press rewind
Make change & stop procrastinating
Before you run out of time

Dream Deferred

I can see it clear as day
My vision is so damn vivid
You touch Daddy’s nose
And your sweet giggles fill the air
God it feels so real
I can feel your hand when you touch my face
You kiss Daddy’s nose & I smile
Wishing this vision would become reality
Daddy’s little girl is exactly what you are
But Daddy doesn’t have this vision
And Mommy doesn’t know what he sees
But he doesn’t see me
And without me - there is no you
Daddy nibbles your fingers
And you hiccup with surprise
Look at my baby
So picture perfect & angelic
The sun hits your skin
You have dark smooth skin like mine
You hair thick and wavy
You & Daddy share the same eyes
Daddy tickles your tummy
You scream & laugh hysterically
You’re my princess & nothing less
As you run into Mommy’s arms
The devil intervenes & keeps Mommy from
Seeing this dream through
Instead of feeling your warm embrace
I feel cold & intense pain
Only having that dream as a constant reminder of you
If only Mommy were a keeper of time
I’d go back and change everything
It would be me & you
Aunties & Uncles too
You’re the best thing that has ever or never happened to me
Going about my day is routine
Rushing through-hoping to slip into a slumber
Forcing myself to think of you
Hoping we reunite again
And until we do
To my angel goodnight
Sleep tight, don’t let he bed bugs bite…

The Seamstress (Patching Things Up)

This scar runs deep
One you can’t see with the naked eye
How’d I allow this happen?
Who are you? Where did you come from?
How did you get here?
I take a sigh of relief because you let yourself out
But with every sigh
A memory…that memory
Penetrates deep
Re-opening the wound
Enhancing this ugly scar
This Neosporin & Band-Aids, don’t work
They are not powerful enough
Nor large enough to heal this wound
I scream & shout
Because I can’t take the pain
I must not have been strong enough
To see this coming
My body wasn’t immune
And it’s still having a problem with, fighting this off
So what’s my next move?
Do I call the doctor?
Or let time heal this one
This pain is altering my thoughts
All of my visions seem to have you in them
Still wondering if you feel the same
Every time a scab forms
It’s peeled or pulled off
By my emotional fingers of hope
Only knowing I’m playing myself
Opening an old wound & starting anew
Pretty soon I’ll be a walking example
Of a wound unhealed
A woman scorned
Burned & cut by the only one
I truly loved
If only stitches could patch things up
Between us too
I’d become a seamstress

The Dual...to my dearest Ayita

I look up and all I see is red & blue
But not from police lights
But from your fist meeting my flesh
It’s becoming unbearable & almost too routine
What the fuck did I do to deserve this?
I feel this one in my loins & worst in my soul
No longer defiant but afraid of what’s to come
How dare you make me feel like this is my fault?
Promising to change & begging me to stay
It’s hard for me to understand your process of thinking
I’m not good enough so you punish me
But I’m only good enough to be with just you
You claim you can’t live without me
But everyday your killing me emotionally
As I lay there motionless you have your way with me
Telling me you love me & embracing my body
This shit hurts inside & out
You kiss my bruised cheeks
Using intimacy to get to me
And I believe every word you say
Like an idiot
Lying to my friends to hide and mask your ugliness
Why am I the only one to see your “beauty?”
Because you are good at what you do
You’re a beautiful liar & the one with the issues
But still I accept, want & embrace you
Still lying to my friends
The ones who truly LOVE ME
Praying they never find out
Deep inside knowing they know the truth
But because of their REAL LOVE
They sit in silence & pray for my well being
How could I live with hurting them?
Every time you hurt me
How’d I become so fucking selfish & blind
The sad thing is you look at me
Only seeing yourself
Envisioning all your faults in me
This fight is with yourself
I just need the strength to leave
If I had the strength in the first place
Then this abuse wouldn’t have plagued me
Are MY insecurities now getting the best?
Do I not deserve better?
What the fuck is blinding me
These swollen eyes and visions of the vaguest of red & blue

The Coldest Winter "Winter Blues"

"On lonely nights I start to fade...His loves a thousand miles away...memories made in the COLDEST WINTER...Goodbye my friend...will I ever love again...EVER AGAIN!!!!"
~KANYE WEST

808s & Heartbreaks...more like $927 & Backaches...

AS THE ICE FREEZES THE WINDOW PANE MY FAITH FADES
I INHALE, THE TEARS FALL FROM MY FACE
I'M EXHAUSTED, HOPELESS AND COLD
OUR LOVE USED TO BE INEVITABLE
I EXHALE, YOU FOLD
NEVER WANTING ANYTHING MORE THAN TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING
THE INEVITABLE, NO MORE
THE PERSON I THOUGHT I KNEW, WAS NON-EXISTENT
I SCREAM, DOUBTING MY INTUITIONS
WHEN'D YOU DECIDE TO DESTROY WHAT WE HAD?
STILL WILLING TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU...FOR US
NO UNDERSTANDING, COMPROMISE, OR WARNING
THAT SHIT HIT ME LIKE A SNOW STORM
I AWAKE, AND ITS MORNING
THESE WINTER BLUES I CAN'T SHAKE THEM
DAMN ITS RAINING IT POURING
NOT THE TYPICAL FORECAST FOR MY WORLD
INTERNALLY YOU CAUSED A NATURAL DISASTER
THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, MY HEART RATES FASTER
I SCREAM, I CRY AND I SHOUT YOU BASTARD
NOT UNDERSTANDING HOW YOUR HEART TURNED TO PLASTER
I THOUGHT WE PARTED FOR A SUMMER BREAK
NEVER KNEW THAT, THAT SUMMER YOU'D BREAK
BREAK OFF INTO THIS COLD WORLD
OF SELFISHNESS AND PITY
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LOVE THE DREAMS
THAT YOU SHARED WITH ME?
I HESITATE--I THINK
(to be continued...)

My Job (Haiku)

Lord I hate my job
They are giving me the most
Thank god for this job...
(sighs...damn recession)

BLOOD...sweat& tears/Hood L!f3....(internal thoughts)

So much joy and pain in my heart
Realizing that I made it this far
Knowing that my dreams are still yet to come
(______'s) a bitch, stuck up and whatever else they say
Not taking in CONSIDERATION the struggles and fights
I broke through each day

The seed of children in their own right
My father left me a bastard
Knocking himself out of his own fight
My mother was the queen of the city
Diving in the glamorous life
Being prissy and sididdy

Drawn to the money the labels, the life
Failing to realize that
Things of real value come without a price
Adopted by a kingpin of the streets
The bloods real o.g.
Young and naïve, infatuated by the heat

The materialistic life, queenpin of a dynasty
Got into so many squabbles THE HOOD NAMED ME scrappy
I became a fiend, a hood queen
Baking bread making cheese
Flossing, SELLING DOPE AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
“TIME IS MONEY HONEY” IS WHAT THEY ALWAYS TOLD ME
BUT THEY NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO EDUCATE OR MOLD ME
OH AND DON’T GET ME WRONG I’M NOT A DUMB HOE
I STAYED IN THE BOOKS AS MUCH AS THE STREETS
TO MAKE THAT DUMB DOUGH

Living with stacks upon stacks upon stacks
I was paid in full, and in reality I was paid & fool
Now I’m here making it, breaking the cycle
Making the way for my brothers
So they don’t live the same life as I did

The fight of my life, you see
I went from fighting for my life in the streets
For fighting the streets for my life
Then that was it I seen it, the light
God called and said, (_____) there’s another way
No longer must you stray away from
Your beauty, your talents, your worth
You’re a ruby like they say just hidden by dirt

So (_______) what you gonna do
You got all the girls in the hood
Looking through the window at you
Imitating and depicting everything
That you’re going through

Look…LOOK AT YOU
G’d up from ya feet up
Riding past young kids doing the same as you
Doing ANYTHING FOR A GUAP
BUT WHAT?!?! I DIDN’ GIVE A FUCK
I DID WHATEVER I HAD TO DO
TO MAKE THE FAST BUCKS

AND YEA I KNOW, YOU (______)
YOU JUST CAN’T BELIEVE IT
IRAN AWAY FROM IT FOR BETTER
A NEW LIFE I CONCIEVED IT
I CAN SEE IT, I BELIEVE IT
A RUBY TURNED TO DIAMOND
AND YES YOU SEE IT!!!!!!

R3w!nD...Dn!w3R

Damn!?!
I wish I could rewind back to a time
Where I was fine, but girl he was so fine
Mind my blew he

In this clinic like damn
I can’t believe this
Shhhhh
Damn I must be thinking out loud
Trying to see through this cloud
Of doubt and denial
Loud so are head my in voices.

Choices we make while in love
Or infatuated
The rumors I hated, believing that
With sex our relationship would make it
I saw him, when I saw him naked
Waited still but on going was what knew I

High, I must have been to believe that
He was just a “friend”
I forgave him accepted him
Again and again

Damn!?!
I wish I could rewind back to a time
Where I was fine, but girl he was so fine
He blew my mind

I sipped my wine
Watching the clock, wasting time
Didn’t know love
Would have me so blind
The down low, the low down
Not mine, my husband was getting around
Voices in my head are so loud

He chose me out of a crowd of
Gorgeous promiscuous women
A dream world I was living
3 beautiful children I was giving
This deadly disease my body was ridden
Man who you kidding
It’s just the beginning to my ending
Lifestyle secret a living


All it had I, I’m twisted
But I never thought I would make this visit
Is this what I’d become? Is It?!?
Eating my body from the inside out
And there was no doubt
In my mind that this was a rumor
Simply played out, but that’s not how it played out

And I shout “I can’t believe the man of my dreams
Ruined everything to have a king
Man I thought I was his queen
Caught up between what was real to him
And what I wanted to be a dream
Deep down I want to scream
But I open my mouth and silence intervenes

My body is dead, dead is body my
It kills me inside, I start to cry
Because out of my eyes
I see him with that guy
That helped kill me, my body is stiff
And if I had one wish, wish one had I if
Breath deep one took I
Mommy you love I, is the last I heard from my son

5,4,3,2,1 FLATLINE I’m done!!!

Undeniable LOVE!!!

Dear Angel,

Mommy is so sorry for what she has done. You mean & meant the world to me. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t ask myself why I couldn’t gain the strength to stand up to Daddy & tell him that you were more important to me. You are the only one that can make me smile & in the same second break me down. The long and lonely nights that Mommy screamed & cried for Daddy, you made me feel the love that I always dreamed for. Realizing that no man can ever share the bond or the love that we had. Now don’t get Mommy wrong, Daddy really loves you too but he can never understand what we shared. Just know that Mommy & Daddy were afraid, &too far away. How Daddy felt for me before is not how he feels about me today & we both made mistakes that will never go away. See Mommy thinks that through all the heartache & pain, storms & the rain, you were Mommy and Daddy’s treasure at the end of the rainbow. But in this case we will never really know. But Daddy didn’t want you &Mommy didn’t want to, & it was hard for me to convince Daddy that is wasn’t about us, just you. But Mommy always seems to give Daddy what he wants, just hoping there would be an “us”, again, for once. But as Mommy keeps holding on, Daddy keeps letting go, leaving Mommy hurt & all alone. But angel its ok, Daddy just doesn’t get it and I don’t know if he ever will. Daddy really loves you & Mommy forever will. If I could go back, I’d kill to make it all real. If only Daddy could have seen what I seen or feel what I feel, it wouldn’t be so surreal. The vision is so vivid of you sleeping like Daddy, it made me so happy to see that already you were just like him. And it was just like him, to take the easy way out, but if he’d just saw you there’s no doubt, that this scenario wouldn’t have played out. If only Daddy had seen you things would have been different, he would have worked with Mommy to make it work. Oh God, I can’t stand the pain or the hurt, it’s unbearable and I’m supposed to be unshakable, unbreakable. Look at what “love” made Mommy do, focused so much on Daddy that I abandoned you. I’m not worthy of you, but its over and done with so what can I do, besides promise you that the next time, it happens I’m not going through. As far as Mommy and Daddy I think we’re through, he doesn’t love me as much as I would like him to. Mommy is tired of stressing and guessing on how Daddy feels. So Mommy has to leave Daddy alone, no more talks on the phone and wishing he was home. I give up because I couldn’t get through, but maybe you can get Daddy to talk to you. Just help him understand, that I do love him as much as I love you, just get him to understand that he will probably never have love like the love we had. Mommy still wants Daddy so bad, but can’t deal with being sad. So Mommy is taking the risk of losing everything we ever had. Just thought Mommy should tell you what was going on and tell you that you haven’t been off my mind since you been gone. I love you angel.

Love Mommy

w!LL ! T3@cH 4 @m3R!c@

(Ok so this is how my day played out....without being so urban...my mini blog)


Yesterday was the big day for me. I had stressed and exerted all of my energy into this interview for the past three weeks. It was a wonderful experience that I will never ever forget. In preparation I informed all of my closest friends that I did not want any form of communication with them after 9 PM the night before; because I was so nervous I needed the extra time to actually fall asleep. So I feel asleep around 10:15 to prepare myself for my 6:45am departure from home in Maryland, and my early arrival at the Teach for America offices in DC. I am happy to say that I was the first to arrive at my interview site exactly 45 minutes early, and I feel comfortable giving all of the credit to my good old Johnson & Wales standards on Professionalism. So I sat patiently waiting for my opportunity to demonstrate what I had been preparing for, as the other 9 candidates flooded the waiting area.
Being the socialite that I am, I started conversing with everyone to help ease some of my anxiety as well as set the tone of comfort amongst us. So 9 o'clock finally gets here and we are pushed into this immaculate conference room, with a huge dry erase board that seems a bit out of place. Not knowing what to expect we all sat in the first available chair and began to exude our emotions in our facial expressions to one another. And it was at that moment where I felt comfortable, knew what I was there to do, and some of that anxiety was relieved. As the interviewers began to speak, I cited a quick verse from the bible that I read the night before from Joshua 1:9; "Haven't I commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; don't be afraid, neither be dismayed: for your God is with you wherever you go." So I took a sigh of relief and got into my zone of humility and perseverance. So before I knew it, it was time to present our teaching lessons. It was bad enough that we only had five minutes to set up, present, and conclude our lessons, but they asked for a volunteer to go first and without hesitation or thought my hand went up in the air, almost involuntarily. So I jumped up and asked for volunteers to help pass out the study guides & in class assignments that I had created.
On the chalkboard I wrote : Miss Ingram's 4th Grade Pre-Algebra review! Order of Operations was the lesson...or maybe proving that this was my passion was really the lesson at hand. So without further hesitation I asked my 4th grade class (other interviewees) to jump to their feet, give me a stretch, and repeat after me, " Please...Excuse...My....Dear...Aunt...Sally....(all repeated)...and as we know that was a phrase created to remember the steps of the Order of Operations...(Parenthesis,Exponents,Multiplication,Division,Addition, Subtraction , for those of you that forgot)...Thank you class now have a seat and we will review the proper steps in the Order of Operations." And at that moment it became second nature; my ability to communicate and be receptive to my students was a phenomenal experience. The mere fact that they enjoyed every last minute of revisting their childhood made it that much easier for me to showcase my intellect. In a snap I set the tone for the other 9 interviewees to come after me, and my five minutes were up, but not without me finishing the lesson by having them read a quote that I loved, "I don't eat junk food and I don't think junk thoughts." That second of silence seemed like an eternity of doubt, until they stood and even acknowledged my efforts that I put into the lesson; and the day had just began for me.
By noon that afternoon we had already gone through 30 minutes on a group discussion regarding Educational Leadership issues, to prejudices in the school system, to the effects of government funding; 45 minutes of a problem solving activity; and another 1 hour in a question and answer session. I was exhausted and just anxious because I just wanted to hear, Tierra your fantastic and we know you deserve to be here, and so on and son on. But reality hit me! There was one more final step to this process and that was the final personal interview which ended up being 1 full emotional, intense, and challeging hour of question and answer. It took me back to my childhood that has been far from great and my teenage years which were the darkest years of my life. I was having a serious internal emotional breakdown, because those were times in my life that I chose to force in the back of mind. But that was the beauty of the day, I was able to confront some of those tragic issues and exude where my passion comes from and why I derserve a chance. So overall it went absoluetly fantastic, I couldn't have asked more of myself. March 10th is my D-Day! I will find out if I am excepted to the program and where my placement will be.
So far I haven't been really open about my past or tragic things that has happened to me and I am just beginning to realize that that is the therapy that I need. This past year and a half has been very difficult and eye-opening to me, and I've been able to learn more about myself and different people around me. I've been through so many ups and downs in my life that I should be the CEO of an elevator company. LOL. And I've experienced so many lows in the past few months that I have no other choice but to be lifted up! I've changed DRASTICALLY and I mean DRASTICALLY over just the past weeks and just found a side of Tierra that I am finally coming to grips with. I have lost some heartfelt "friendships" and "relationships" just in the past three months that the hardest thing for me to do is let go of the Love that I've had for anyone before. I love hard and I always have and that's one thing that will never ever change, but learning to control it is the biggest challenge for me today. To some people I'm too deep, too complex to understand and to other's a beautiful woman inside and out. I'm asking to be liked because dislike comes from being misunderstood, but just give me genuine love, and if you can' even give me that then do yourself a genuine favor and fallback.